Why none of my essays have conclusions

I hate conclusions, mostly because in order to come to a non-repetitive, non-summarizing end you are pretty much forced to go GLOBAL AND NOBLE. I HATE GLOBAL AND NOBLE. GLOBAL AND NOBLE does nothing, is nothing; nothing but a lame, air headed attempt to make everything else you've written seem like either the world's biggest problem, or the solution to the world's biggest problem. GLOBAL AND NOBLE can take anything substantial, anything worth thinking and acting on and enlarge it into something so huge and so daunting that people are more likely to go stick their head in the sand, or run screaming to the government, than confront it themselves. GLOBAL AND NOBLE takes some pebble in some person's shoe and turns it into a universal roadblock. GLOBAL AND NOBLE causes the reader to distrust everything you've written, because really who thinks that school uniforms are going to lead to total deprivation of students' freedom of speech? Okay, maybe some weird person out there does, but not most. So saying in your conclusion that uniforms everywhere should be banned for the preservation of the Constitution is going to come across as a little mellow dramatic. GLOBAL AND NOBLE takes the entire perspective of an essay and throws it right out the window.

I think the real reason people use GLOBAL AND NOBLE, especially in argument essays, is that they're afraid no one is going to listen to them if they don't make what they're writing about a big deal. Would anyone care about global warming if scientists simply said that we are being careless with our natural resources and really should find better, cleaner, more efficient ways to live just because it would be good for the planet? No. That's not motivating enough. So they have to pitch global warming as the greatest environmental threat the world has ever seen; that if we don't dramatically cut back our CO2 output NOW, Miami is going to be neck deep in water in two years. It makes sense that if you want someone to actually listen to you and do something about what you're saying you have to make it a big deal. But I don't think you should have to. I think that if everyone would just calm down a little bit and be more realistic about life we would get a lot more done. People like easy things. They would be much more likely to click off a light switch than go buy a gazillion dollar solar panel. GLOBAL AND NOBLE is unapproachable. SWEET AND SIMPLE is very approachable; even doable!

So, yeah. I hate conclusions. The end :)

Your obedient, 
               Th. Jefferson

1 comment

  1. Oh goodness I love you. And I completely agree with all of this!